Τα αστέρια κι εσείς – Τα ζώδια όπως τα έζησα Μέρος 2ο

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Αυτό το κείμενο δεν έχει να κάνει με τα ζώδια όπως τα γράφουν τα περιοδικά ή όπως τα περιγράφουν οι αστρολόγοι. Έχει να κάνει με τα ζώδια όπως τα έχω ζήσει εγώ. Ακριβώς γι’ αυτό το λόγο κάποια ζώδια θα έχουν μεγαλύτερη ανάλυση και κάποια όχι, ανάλογα με το τι έχω συναντήσει. Είναι οι προσωπικές μου εμπειρίες από όλους σας και οι συμβουλές που έχω να σας δώσω. Μπορείτε να τα πάρετε εντελώς σοβαρά ή και καθόλου. Με χιούμορ και αγάπη…

Υ.Γ. οι καταστάσεις που περιγράφονται, μπορεί και να MHN είναι τελείως συμπτωματικές…

Λεων

Αχ τα λιονταράκια τα αγαπάω!! Εχω περάσει πολύ καλά μαζί τους και μου έχουν φερθεί όμορφα και συγκινητικά. Λυπάμαι λοιπόν που θα πρέπει να τους θάψω. Αγαπημένοι μου λέοντες. Ξέρω οτι είσαστε ένα ζώδιο με αρχοντιά, υπερηφάνεια, ήθος!! But nobody give’s a shit. καλά δε βλέπετε τι γίνετε; όλα τα ζώδια τρέχουν να φάνε το ένα το άλλο κι εσείς αράζετε με το στήθος στητό και κουνάτε τα μαλλιά σας πέρα δώθε παίζοντας το ομορφόπαιδα. Είσαστε εαυτούληδες και ωραιοπαθείς. Στη πραγματικότητα –για μένα- είσαστε οι ηλίθιοι του ζωδιακού κύκλου. Αρχηγοί δε θα γίνετε ποτέ. Αν το καλοσκεφτείτε, στην πλειοψηφία τους οι βασιλείς δε κάνανε ποτέ κουμάντο, ήταν τα πιόνια τα οποία κατευθύνονταν απο κάποιον άλλο. Και τελικά, τρώτε τα μούτρα σας σαν μαλάκες επειδή οι άλλοι σας λένε τι να κάνετε. Όχι μόνο τρώτε τα μούτρα σας, αλλά τρώτε και τα γιαούρτια που σας πετάνε.

Ο κριός είναι ο τύπος που θα σκάσει στη παρέα και θ’ αρχίσει να φωνάζει ΚΟΙΤΑΧΤΕΕΕΕΕΕ ΚΟΙΤΑΧΤΕ ΚΟΙΤΑΧΤΕ ΠΗΡΑ ΚΑΙΝΟΥΡΙΑ ΠΑΠΟΥΤΣΙΑ ΕΙΝΑΙ ΓΑΜΑΤΑ ΤΑ ΚΟΙΤΑΞΤΕ ΤΑΑΑΑΑ ΑΑΑΑΑΑ ΚΟΙΤΑΞΤΕ ΛΕΩΩΩ!! Ο λέων είναι ο τύπος που θα κάτσει ήρεμος σταυροπόδι και θα κουνάει επίμονα και επιδεικτικά το πόδι πέρα δώθε μέχρι να δεις οτι φοράει καινούρια παπούτσια. Όταν του κάνεις κομπλιμέντο θα σου πει πως ούτε που χε προσέξει πως φορούσε αυτά τα παπούτσια σήμερα και τι ευγενικός είσαι που ΕΣΥ το πρόσεξες, έτσι τυχαία. Εν ολίγοις, οι λέοντες θέλουν συνεχώς να ακούνε για αυτούς παρά να μιλάνε οι ίδιοι για τους εαυτούς τους. Θέλουν να τους γαργαλάς τα αφτιά.

Δεν είναι άνθρωποι της διαφωνίας. Τους αναγνωρίζω πως όταν στηρίζουν μια άποψη έχουν δίκιο. Όταν έχουν άδικο θα το παραδεχτούν, θα ακούσουν τι έχεις να τους πείς. Θα σε ευχαριστήσουν που τους άνοιξες τα μάτια και τελικά θα κάνουν τη βλακεία που είχαν στο μυαλό τους εξ’ αρχής. Είναι μάταιος κόπος. Όσες φορές και αν σου πούνε ‘είχες δίκιο ρε μαλάκα, καλά που μου το είπες αυτό’ την επόμενη μέρα θα έχουν γυρίσει στην αρχική τους καθυστερημένη σκέψη και θα πρέπει να κάνετε την ίδια κουβέντα απο την αρχή λες και δεν τα είπατε ποτέ. Είναι όμως ειλικρινείς, δε τους αρέσει το ψέμα. I rephrase, παραέιναι ειλικρινής .Το αυθεντικό λιοντάρι δε θα σου πεί ποτέ ‘μωρέ Μαράκι έχεις πάρει μερικά κιλά τελευταία, σου πάνε βέβαια, αλλά εντάξει πρόσεχε λίγο τι τρως’. ΟΧΙ. Δεν είναι διακριτικός τύπος. Το πιο διακριτικό που θα μπορούσε να κάνει θα ήταν αυτό:

‘ΠΩΩΩΩΩΩ ΠΩΣ ΕΓΙΝΕΣ ΕΤΣΙ ΡΕ ΜΑΡΙΑ?? ΚΑΛΑ ΤΙ ΤΡΩΣ ΑΥΤΕΣ ΤΙΣ ΜΕΡΕΣ Κ ΕΧΕΙΣ ΓΙΝΕΙ ΜΑΜΟΥΘ?? ΚΑΙ ΤΙ ΒΥΖΑΡΕΣ ΕΙΝΑΙ ΑΥΤΕΣ, ΑΠ’ ΤΑ ΠΟΛΛΑ ΚΟΤΟΠΟΥΛΑ ΕΙΝΑΙ; ΚFC ΣΙΓΟΥΡΑ ΓΙΑΤΙ ΒΛΕΠΩ ΕΚΑΝΕΣ ΚΑΙ ΚΥΤΤΑΡΙΤΙΔΑ’.

Το καλό είναι οτι δεν θα βαρεθείς μαζί τους. Θα σε βγάλουν έξω, θα σου μιλήσουν για τα πολλά και διαφορετικά ενδιαφέροντά τους, θα σε παρασύρουν, θα σε ενθαρρύνουν. Χαίρεσαι να τους κυκλοφορείς γιατι ντύνονται όμορφα, μυρίζουν ωραία και τους γουστάρουν όλοι στη παρέα. Μη παίρνεται θάρρος, εξακολουθείτε να είσαστε οι ΗΛΙΘΙΟΙ του ζωδιακού.

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: έχεις βγει απο το χώρο του χωρίς να νοιώθεις ο απόλυτος looser.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: έχεις αγνοήσει στα πάντα και με ευχαριστείς για το γεγονός οτι σε είπα ομορφόπαιδο.

Αιγοκερως

Οι αιγόκεροι είναι οι βαρετοί. Είναι οι άνθρωποι χασμουρητό. Είναι ο γκόμενος που δε θα σηκωθεί ποτέ να σε βγάλει για ένα ποτό ή η γκόμενα που δε θα δοκιμάσει ποτέ να κάνει μαζί σου κάτι διαφορετικό στο σεξ. Έχουν ανάγκη τη σταθερότητα.

Συνήθως για να πάρουν μια απόφαση θα χρειαστούν μερικά δευτερόλεπτα, αλλά θα τους πάρει χρόνια να πάρουν απόφαση οτι ήρθε η ώρα να πάρουν ΤΗΝ απόφαση. Το τρομακτικό είναι οτι ο Αιγόκαιρως, παθαίνει κάτι κρίσεις και αλλάζει τα πάντα. Γίνεται ένας καινούριος άνθρωπος. Αλλά μη φανταστείς, το πολύ μια φόρα τη δεκαετία γίνεται αυτό. Το δεύτερο τρομακτικό, είναι οτι ανα διαστήματα πάλι, τον πιάνει μια μανία να κάνει σχέδια. Για σήμερα, αύριο, του χρόνου, τα γεράματα. Εκεί που δε τον νοιάζει τι του ξημερώνει, βγάζει χαρτί και μολύβι και προνοεί για τη ζωή του απο τώρα μέχρι το τέλος του χρόνου. Οι αιγόκεροι σίγουρα κάνουν τη διαθήκη τους στα 30 και προβάρουν τι θα πουν στα παιδιά τους (που δεν έχουν) για την κρυφή περιουσία που δεν έχουν βγάλει ακόμα.

Καταστροφικός συνδυασμός θα ήταν με τον τοξότη που θέλει να κάνει πολλά πράγματα ταυτόχρονα, να είναι όλα εξτρίμ και όλα σε γρήγορους ρυθμούς. Η υπομονή του μοιάζει να μην εξαντλείτε ποτέ. Αν δηλαδή σε μια σχέση τον αφήσεις να δεις ‘που θα πάει’ τα μαλλιά σου Θα ασπρίσουν και η μούρη σου θα ρυτιδιάσει.

Επίσης, κάθε κομπλεξικός αιγόκερως καταλήγει να είναι κριτικός στη ζωή του. Για να μπορεί να είναι ξινός και παπάρας. Μη ρωτήσεις ποτέ τη γνώμη του αιγόκερου για το νέο σου φόρεμα. Θα σε κοιτάξει λες και σου κάνει χάρη που θα πει τη γνώμη του. Τα δευτερόλεπτα που θα περάσουν όση ώρα σε τσεκάρει μοιάζουν αιώνες κι εσένα σε λούζει κρύος ιδρώτας. Αν ανήκει στους ευγενικούς, θα σου πει την καλή του κουβέντα όσο πιο ψεύτικα μπορεί, για να σου δώσει να καταλάβεις οτι αυτό που φοράς είναι σκέτη σαχλαμπούχλα. Η εναλλακτική περίπτωση θα είναι να αγανακτήσει, να μη πει τίποτα και κατα πάσα πιθανότητα να βγάλει ένα επιφώνημα τύπου τςςςςς…

Το άλλο πράγμα που σε φέρνει στα άκρα μαζί τους είναι η εσωστρέφειά τους. Όσο εσύ θα ξέρεις απο τον καλύτερό του φίλο οτι έχουνε τσακωθεί και δε μιλάνε εδώ και μήνες, εκείνος θα σου δείχνει τις φωτογραφίες τους και θα σου μιλάει για το πόσα πολλά έχει ζήσει με τον Αντρίκο και πόσο τον αγαπάει.

Και σα να μην έφταναν όλα αυτά, είναι και αρρωστοφοβικός, με μεγάλη όμως αντιπάθεια στους γιατρούς. Αν χρειάζεται καθαρισμό στα δόντια, θα τον αγνοήσει μέχρι να αρχίσουν να του πέφτουν. Όταν αρχίσουν να του πέφτουν και τρομοκρατηθεί, θα περιμένει να ξαναφτιάξουν μόνα τους απο το φόβο του να αντιμετωπίσει τον οδοντίατρο. Στην ανάγκη μπορεί και να τα κολλήσει.

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: Σηκωθείς και πας για εκείνο το ρημάδι το ποτάκι μόνος σου.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: Με κοιτάς απαξιωτικά και τελικά αποχωρείς για να πας να φτιάξεις μια diy βιβλιοθηκούλα.

Τοξότης

Ρε συ τοξότη πραγματικά, θες να χαλαρώσεις λιγάκι; Το ξέρω οτι είσαι η απόλυτη απόλαυση, η χαρά της ζωής, ο άνθρωπος που δε θα βαρεθώ ποτέ, αλλά πραγματικά δε σε προλαβαίνω. Και όντως. Που να προλάβεις ένα άνθρωπο που αλλάζει τα ενδιαφέροντα του και τις ασχολίες του το ίδιο γρήγορα με τα status του twitter. Έχει κάνει 4-5 διαφορετικούς χορούς στη ζωή του, έχει μάθει 6 πολεμικές τέχνες, έχει δοκιμάσει 12 αθλήματα εκ των οποίων τουλάχιστον τα μισά είναι κάτι εξτρίμ και έχει αλλάξει 8 διαφορετικά επαγγέλματα.

Ο τοξότης δε ξέρω πως τα καταφέρνει στα ερωτικά του τόσο καλά. Ακόμα και αν είναι μεσήλικας καράφλας κοντοστούπης, θα σου χαμογελάσει κι εσύ θα λιποθυμήσεις απο τη γοητεία του.

Το να έχεις στη ζωή σου έναν τοξότη είναι το απόλυτο challenge. Θα πρέπει όλη την ώρα να προσπαθείς να παραμείνεις δίπλα του ενώ εκείνος θα τρέχει απο δω κι απο κεί. Είναι σίγουρα ο λαδωμένος τύπος με τα αστραφτερά δόντια που χορεύει μέχρι τα χαράματα στη Μύκονο. Είναι το ζώδιο που έχει την ικανότητα να φτιάχνει σούσι τη στιγμή που κάνει bunjee jumping. Είναι ο απόλυτος. Και γι’ αυτό τον μισούνε όλοι. Και το ξέρει. Αυτόματα αυτό τον κάνει προληπτικό. Οι τοξότες κυκλοφορούν με ένα ματάκι στο λαιμό, στο αμάξι, στο ποδήλατο, στο υπνοδωμάτιο. Θα πάρει 10 φορές τη μέρα τη γιαγιά του τηλέφωνο για να τον ξεματιάσει. Θα χωρίσουν τη ζηλιάρα γκόμενα επειδή φοβούνται οτι θα τους κάνει μάγια. Αν και στη πραγματικότητα, καμία τέτοια ατυχία δε τους αγγίζει. Αγγίζει όμως εσένα. Και ο καλός σου φίλος ο τοξότης είναι πάντα δίπλα σου για να σου ανακοινώσει τα κακά μαντάτα. Κατα λάθος. Θα σου χαμογελάσει και θα σε ρωτήσει αν ισχύει οτι ο γκόμενός σου σε κερατώνει γιατί το άκουσε απο το Λιτσάκι. Στην πραγματικότητα τη στιγμή που στο λέει είναι σα να μη καταλαβαίνει που απευθύνετε. Είναι ικανός να σου πει να πας να τον ρωτήσεις κι όλας για να είναι πιο σίγουρη η φήμη. Δε νοιώθει ποτέ οτι ανάβει φωτιές. Ο ίδιο φεύγει αλώβητος και σε αφήνει να τσουρουφλίζεσαι. Δε θες ποτέ να έρθει να σου πει οτι απολύθηκες, το σπίτι σου πλημμύρισε, τη γάτα σου τη πάτησε αμάξι. Θα σου το πεί με τέτοια χαρά, σα να μη τρέχει τίποτα, που για μερικά δευτερόλεπτα θα πιστέψεις πως σου έχει συμβεί κάτι πολύ ωραίο. Με το που πετάξει τη βόμβα θα αποχωρήσει με το ίδιο ευτυχισμένο ύφος και θα σε ξανά μπερδέψει. Μήπως τελικά είναι όντως πολύ καλό το γεγονός οτι σου τρακάρανε το αμάξι στο παρκινγκ, απλά δεν έχεις καταλάβει ακόμα το γιατί;

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: Έχεις καταφέρει να επαναφέρεις το πεσμένο σαγόνι σου στη θέση του χωρίς να σου τρέξουν τα σάλια.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: Διαβάζεις το κείμενο απο το iphone 4 ενώ με το ένα χέρι κρατάς το σχοινί του wake board

Ταύρος

Ο ταύρος είναι ο σοβαρός μέχρι αηδίας. Αν είναι γυναίκα θα σε κοιτάξει επικριτικά επειδή φοράς μίνι. Αν είναι άντρας, θα είναι ο μαλάκας φίλος του wannabe γκόμενού σου που δε σε γουστάρει μια και προτιμά εκείνη τη καλή τη κοπελίτσα που είναι πιο γατούλα και δε βρίζει σα νταλικέρης ούτε γαμιέται σα πόρνη. Άσχετα με το αν γαμιέται μόνο μαζί σου.

Στη ζωή του είναι αποφασισμένος να πετύχει και αυτό τον κάνει να πιστεύει οτι έχει φάει τη ζωή με το κουτάλι. Ο Ταύρος είναι αφοσιωμένος. Στη δουλειά, στους φίλους, στην οικογένεια. Μέχρι να τον ιντριγκάρει κάτι καινούριο και να τα παρατήσει όλα και να πέσει με φόρα στο νέο του στόχο. Είναι ο κολλητός που θα σε ξεχάσει μόλις βρει γκόμενα. Είναι δηλαδή να μη του βάλεις το κόκκινο πανί μπροστά.

Κατα τ’ άλλα είναι σιχαμερά ρομαντικοί. Ναι ταύρε, όλος ο υπόλοιπος φυσιολογικός πληθυσμός θεωρεί υπερβολή το να γράφεις τραγούδια για τον έρωτα της ζωής σου που τον γνώρισες στο ίντερνετ και βγήκατε μια φορά για καφέ.

Βέβαια ο ταύρος είναι το συμβατικό ζώδιο. Αν θέλει να πάτε για ποτό θα στο πει. Αν εσύ θες να πας cinema θα βάλει στην άκρη την επιλογή του και θα σε συνοδεύσει χωρίς γκρίνια. Είναι ο άνθρωπος που χαίρεται με τη χαρά σου. Ο απόλυτος μαλακοπίτουρας δηλαδή, γιατί χαίρεται πιο πολύ κι απο σένα. Θα συγκινηθεί ακόμα κι αν του πεις οτι κατάφερες να χέσεις μετά απο 3 μέρες, και μετά θα γράψει στο blog του για τον φίλο του που σήμερα είχε μια μεγάλη μάχη και τη κέρδισε.

Ο ταύρος, σαν ζώδιο πασπαρτού που είναι, γίνεται ιδανικός σύντροφος για οποιονδήποτε, μιας και δεν ξέρει πολύ καλά το όχι. Ιδανική επιλογή μάλλον ο λέων, για να του γαργαλάει τ’ αφτιά λέγοντάς του τι όμορφα που λαμποκοπάνε τα μάτια του στο φεγγάρι σαν γυαλιστερές πυγολαμπίδες. Απο την άλλη, ιδανική επιλογή για τον ταύρο δεν είναι ο παρθένος που θα του απαντήσει:

‘τώρα που είπες γυαλιστερές, πέρυσι τέτοια εποχή, Τρίτη ήτανε, μεσημεράκι, 2.25 ακριβώς με το ρολόι σου λεω! ήμουνα στη Τζιά σ’ ένα ταβερνάκι και τρώγαμε κάτι γυαλιστερές μούρλια, κάτσε να το βάλω στο καρνέ μου να θυμηθώ να αγοράσω γυαλιστερές αύριο που είναι η μέρα του super market.’

Κατα τ’ άλλα μην προσπαθήσετε να προσεγγίσετε τον ταύρο εαν δεν έχετε να του προσφέρετε πολυτέλεια, γιατί η ζωή στο camping του μοιάζει μαρτύριο, ενώ το yacht ταιριάζει περισσότερο στα χαζοβιόλικα εκλεπτυσμένα γούστα του που σίγουρα δε τα απέκτησε μεγαλώνοντας στη Κάτω Μπαλάνα.

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: Δεν τον έχεις εμπνεύσει για εκείνη τη σονάτα που σκεφτότανε να γράψει.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: Μάλλον είμαι η γυναίκα της ζωής μου. Τρέχεις στο πιάνο για να μελοποιήσεις το κείμενο.

Παρθένος

Ξενέρωτε. Δεν θέλει κανείς να ασχολείται μαζί σου. Είσαι ο ξενέρωτος. Και εκτός του οτι είσαι ξενέρωτος, είσαι ο αρχίδης που θα με προσγειώσει απότομα στην πραγματικότητα τη στιγμή που θέλω να ανοίξω τα πολύχρωμα φτερά μου σαν άλλη πεταλουδίτσα στον φανταστικό κάμπο μου. Ε γάμησε μας ρε μαλάκα, άσε με να το ζήσω και σταμάτα να μου φωνάζεις με τη γαιδουροφωνάρα σου ‘εεεε ξύπνα μωρή κάμπια’. Στη τελική τι σε ενοχλώ;

Ο παρθένος θέλει να έχει συνεχώς δίκιο και αυτό συμβαίνει επειδή τα πάντα στο μυαλό του είναι απόλυτα τακτοποιημένα, με το σειριακό αριθμό τους. Αν λοιπόν του πεις οτι έχει λάθος σε κάτι δε θα το δεχθεί ποτέ, γιατι αυτό αυτόματα σημαίνει για εκείνον οτι έχει αρχειοθετήσει μια πληροφορία λάθος, και θα πρέπει να ανατρέχει στον server, να εντοπίσει τη πληροφορία, να εντοπίσει τη πηγή, να κράξει τη πηγή για τη λάθος πληροφορία και να αποθηκεύσει στη θέση της τη καινούρια. Αυτό όλο είναι πολύ βαρετό, οπότε δε το κάνει. Γι’ αυτό μην προσπαθήσετε ποτέ να έρθετε σε αντιπαράθεση μαζί τους. Το πιο πιθανό είναι οτι θα φύγετε έχοντας αποδεχθεί οτι ο ουρανός είναι πράσινος και η θάλασσα ροζ.

Όλη αυτή η παράνοια κρύβει μια τεράστια ανωμαλάρα. Είναι ο τύπος που θέλει τα πάντα τακτοποιημένα στο γραφείο του. Είναι η προσωποποίηση του ψυχαναγκασμού. Αν πάς και του πετάξεις μια κούπα καφέ πάνω στα στοιβαγμένα χαρτιά του, είναι ικανός να βγάλει μαχαίρι να σε σφάξει. Μετά όμως, θα βγάλει και το πουλί του και θα αυνανιστεί πάνω στον χαμό. Είναι ο γείτονας cross dresser, είναι η 50 χρονη BDSMτζου που βγάζει τα βιντεάκια της στο youporn. Αλλά όλα αυτά undercover για να μη γίνει καμιά μαλακία και μας πάρουν χαμπάρι οτι δεν είμαστε σοβαρά άτομα. Γιατί στη πραγματικότητα του αρέσει να είναι ο ξενέρωτος. Και θα του αρέσει ακόμα περισσότερο όταν γίνει ο γερο παράξενος, κάτι που θα κάνει όλους τους υπόλοιπους να τον αποδέχονται εξαναγκαστικά. Χειρότερός του φόβος είναι σίγουρα το Alzheimer το οποίο θα τον αποσυντονίσει απο το τρομακτικά τακτοποιημένο database του.

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: Έχεις καταφέρει να μην ανοίξεις το στόμα σου ούτε στιγμή.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: Σταμάτησες το διάβασμα στα μισά γιατί αγανάκτησες με τα ορθογραφικά, το λάθος συντακτικό, τη γραμματοσειρά, το στραβό background…

Υδροχόος

Σιχαμερός ψευτάκος. Η υπουλιά προσωποποιημένη. Στο δημοτικό ήταν το καρφί της τάξης. Δε θέλει να είναι κανένας ευτυχισμένος, γι’ αυτό μακριά οι τοξότες.

Είναι ο κατ΄ εξοχήν επαναστάτης των social media. Θέλει όλη την ώρα να προκαλεί, αρκεί να το κάνει με τα νώτα του καλυμμένα. Είναι και κωλόστρα δηλαδή. Και νάρκισσος. Όχι όπως το λιοντάρι. Εκείνο δε θα ασχοληθεί μαζί σου αν δεν ασχοληθείς κι εσύ. Τον υδροχόο όμως τον τρώει μαύρη κακία αν δεν του πείς οτι είναι θεός σήμερα. Το χειρότερο του ελάττωμα είναι όλα. Σκατά. Θα ξεχωρίσω τη μοναδική του ικανότητα στη μυθομανία. Που μάλιστα πέφτει τόσο πολύ με τα μούτρα, που δε μπορεί ποτέ να καταλάβει οτι το χει παρακάνει και οτι δε πείθει κανένα. Πραγματικά σε κάνει να αναρωτιέσαι αν το κάνει για να πιστέψει ο ίδιος οτι είναι κάτι τρομερό. Η ζωής του απο τον ίδιο: στα 15 του η NASA του έκανε επαγγελματική πρόταση γιατί ήτανε wiz kid. Αρνήθηκε όμως γιατί στο ακριβό σχολείο που πήγαινε οι popular υποχρεώσεις του δεν τον αφήνανε να φύγει τόσο νωρίς στο εξωτερικό. Φοίτησε στο Harvard, αλλά μη το ψάξεις αν είναι αλήθεια γιατί βρισκότανε σε κάποια σημαντική μασονική αδελφότητα με ψεύτικο όνομα για να μην έχει προβλήματα στη καθημερινή του ζωή με τις άπειρες γκόμενες που τον γυροφέρνανε. Τώρα κάνει παρέα με τον Κασιδόκωστα,αλλά δε μπορεί να σου τον γνωρίσει γιατι είναι πολύ busy all the time. Η ζωή του απο τη μαμά του: Τελείωσε με το ζόρι το 2ο λύκειο στα Κάτω Πετράλωνα και στις πανελλήνιες πέρασε στο ΤΕΙ καλαθοπλεκτικής Ηγουμενίτσας. Δε πήγε ποτέ και έγινε πλακατζής, γιατί ένας φίλος του που ξέρει απ’ αυτά και είχε τα κονέ, τον έβαλε στο επάγγελμα. Βγάζεις φράγκα, λέει.

Χωρίζει ανα διαστήματα τη γκόμενά του, έτσι χωρίς λόγο, για να μάθει αυτή. Και τρέχει απο πίσω της όταν τον χωρίσει εκείνη.

Τα ενδιαφέροντά του είναι ουγκ. Δηλαδή, ποδόσφαιρο και πάμε στοίχημα. Το ντύσιμό του είναι καγκούρικο, το αμάξι του κάνει θόρυβο αλλά δε πάει βήμα και η γκόμενά του κομμώτρια της κακιάς ώρας. Δεν είναι κακό να είσαι λαϊκός, εσύ είσαι κακός που είσαι λαϊκός, και πέτα επιτέλους τα Oakley.

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: Δεν βρεθείς ούτε στιγμή γοητευμένος απο τα απαράδεκτα ψέματά του.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: Πιστεύεις οτι δεν είσαι έτσι, και μάλιστα θα μου το αποδείξεις όταν μου φέρεις τα αποτελέσματα της ΜΕΝΣΑ. Κρίμα που δε μπορείς να τα βρείς αυτή τη στιγμή.

Zυγός.

Ο ζυγός είναι το καμάρι της οικογένειας. Κουβαλητής, άξιος πατέρας και σύζηγος, σοβαρός γιος, καλό αναθρεμμένη κόρη. Οπότε σίγουρα παίρνει ναρκωτικά.

Είναι ο τύπος που αντίθετα με αυτό που πιστεύουν όλοι -οτι έιναι ο απόλυτα ισορροπημένος-, είναι ο άνθρωπος που παρασύρετε πιο γρήγορα και εύκολα απο οποιονδήποτε. Χθές έκανε το μαλλί του γαλάζιο γιατί γνώρισε ένα παιδί πολύ ουάου και του είπε οτι το γαλάζιο μαλλί είναι THE SHIT΄αυτές τις μέρες. Σήμερα θα παραιτηθεί απο τη δουλειά για να πάει να ασχοληθεί με τη διάσωση της θαλάσσιας χελώνας, επειδή ο man στο forum κάνει το ίδιο και έχει παρατηρήσει οτι παίζει πολύ respect στη φάση του. Αύριο θα σκάσει ντυμένος γκοθάς στο πάρτυ σου γιατί η γκόμενά του ακούει Bauhaus και Lacrimosa. Το καλό για σένα είναι οτι σε κάθε του εμφάνιση θα κλάνεις στο γέλιο.

Κατα τ’ άλλα, θέλει ο υπόλοιπος κόσμος τριγύρω του να είναι αρμονικός και συμμαζεμένος στις επιλογές του. Σαν φίλος περιμένει πως και πως να σταματήσεις να του λες το πρόβλημά σου για να σου πει το δικό του. Σαν εραστής είναι ο τύπος που θα τον ακούς να γαμάει απο τη δίπλα πολυκατοικία και θα βαράς τα τηλέφωνα μπας και σκάσει λίγο και μπορέσετε να κοιμηθείτε επιτέλους βραδιάτικα. Είναι βέβαια και αγαπούλης. Και εαν σε κόψει να είσαι παράλογος χαρακτήρας, θα ερωτευτεί με τα μούτρα.

Στο style όμως δε τον πιάνεις, δεν έχει βέβαια αυτό το elegant του διδύμου, αλλά μια πιο επιθετική, σέξι και μυστήρια εμφάνιση η οποία σε ψαρώνει μόνο και μόνο για να μη καταλάβεις οτι είναι γλυκούλης. Αν ήτανε ικανός για φόνο, σίγουρα θα σκότωνε τον Υδροχόο γιατί αυτό το show off του τρυπάει το μυαλό.

Ο ζυγός είναι ο εκκεντρικός καλλιτέχνης που σου πετάει στα μούτρα κάτι ακαταλαβίστικο και έχει την εντύπωση οτι ένιωσες περι τίνος πρόκειται. Είναι ο standard hipster τυπάκος που αράζει στη Καρύτση και τραβάει ψαγμένες φωτογραφίες.

Τον τρομάζει ο εαυτός του πολύ περισσότερο απ’ ότι τον τρομάζει ο κακός ο κόσμος. Αν θες να τα πας καλά μαζί του, φρόντισε να του δείξεις οτι είσαι πολύ alternative και special και αναρχικό στοιχείο. Το ‘ενάντια’ attitude τον καυλώνει. Κριέ εσύ νομίζω θα τα κατάφερνες καλά μαζί του, είσαι καλός στα ψεματάκια. Παίξε τον ρόλο σου και το πρόβατο θα ακολουθήσει.

Ξέρεις οτι έχεις επιβιώσει όταν: Έχεις παρασύρει εσύ εκείνον και όχι αυτός εσένα.

Αυτη τη στιγμή: Έχεις συνειδητοποιήσει οτι όλα είναι προβληματικά ζώδια και δε ξέρεις ποιο να πρωτοερωτευτείς.

by Jay Aen Emm

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